Thursday, August 21, 2014

Threatening Letters To Warren Kinsella - Part 3


I have to continue my screenplay only for the reason that every time I mention, 'Warren Kinsella,' he has to read my blog because he'd like to sue me. And I desperately need that one guy to read my blog because my Alexa ranking is that low.

Ever since I wrote all of those posts about good-looking blond guys that I went to school with and how high school in the 1990s was all about the holocaust, people have stopped reading my blog. Especially the Jews.

I'm not necessarily an anti-semite. I even watch, 'The Source,' with Ezra Levant. I agree with 80% of what Ezra says except that whole East Indians aren't Muslims so lets flood the country with even more East Indians show he did.

And now I present part 3 of my epic screenplay. (Part 1).

EXT. WOODS - DUSK

TWO TEENS Are in a jeep. The driver turns the high beams on.

Now we see that there is a clearing among the trees. More TEENS drinking beer emerge from the trees. Soon there are over forty. A few more cars pull up as they form a circle in the field. A figure steps forward chugging a beer. It is PETER MANSBRIDGE. Throwing the can aside, he rips off his shirt and yells...

MANSBRIDGE: Okay fucker: Let's get this on!

Now we see LLOYD ROBERTSON emerge from the crowd. He is pulling up his sleeves to get ready for the fight.

ROBERTSON: I'll show you you dirty public broadcasting buffoon!

MANSBRIDGE: Fuck you!

Robertson charges at Mansbridge but Mansbridge is too quick. Within seconds he has Robertson in a choke hold. He swings him around and throws him into the crowd who pushes him back. Now Mansbridge punches Robertson and he falls to the ground, passed out.

Everyone starts chanting...

Teens: (in unison) Mansbridge, Mansbridge, Mansbridge...

And they circle him to congratulate him. One hands him a beer and they walk off into the woods. But one of the teens stays behind. He sits down and pulls out a notepad and begins to write.

Now we see that he is not a teen but 22 minutes host SHAUN MAJUMDER...

MAJUMDER: (ranting to himself): Dear Warren Kinsella. I just got a printer that prints on toilet paper so that I could put your blog to better use. I don't know why I hate you so much. I just do. I had that dream again last night where I see you walking down the street, trip and fall over and, instead of helping you up I laugh and spit on you and walk away...

Suddenly there's the blare of headlights. Majumder looks scared. He gets up and runs, forgetting his notepad.

A black sedan pulls up. Bob and Jim get out.

BOB: Did we miss the fight?

They see Lloyd Robertson stagger off into the woods by himself.

BOB: (disappointed) Oh, we missed the fight.

Now Bob sees the notepad. He picks it up.

BOB: What's this?

Tuesday, August 19, 2014

Threatening Letters To Warren Kinsella - Part 2


Last month the three regular readers of this blog were treated to the beginnings of what will be one of the greatest movies in Canadian history.

Now I present part 2 of the screenplay I'm writing...

EXT. OFFICE BUILDING - DAY

An Emergency Task Force pulls up in 6 black SUV's. Within moments 24 people dressed in black bullet-proof gear are pointing sub-machine guns in every direction.

EXT. SIDE DOOR OF BUILDING

A battering ram is used to open it and the SWAT team pours in.

INT. THE SET OF MANSBRIDGE ONE ON ONE

Peter Mansbridge is interviewing Margaret Atwood.

MANSBRIDGE: I once stopped at this donut joint in Kapuskasing and the Boston Cream there was unimaginable.

ATWOOD: True. I always felt that despite Hemingway's lack of style he was a more complicated writer than Faulkner.

MANSBRIDGE: I could go for a Maple Walnut. Or even a Honey Crueller right now.

ATWOOD: That's just it. Nobody reads the classics anymore. Especially the Canadian ones.

MANSBRIDGE: I'd scarf down any pastry with glaze on it. I really need a donut.

ATWOOD: They did say that about Margaret Laurence. But still she persevered.

Suddenly a can is thrown near the set and tear gas starts to fill the room. Mansbridge looks pissed. He stands and rips off his mic.

MANSBRIDGE: Oh fuck: This again.

INT. CSIS INTEROGATION ROOM - NIGHT

MANSBRIDGE sits at a table across from BOB and JIM. He is dressed in an orange prison jump suit and has his arms and legs shackled together.

BOB: (angrily) Okay, Mansbridge...

He slams a file 200 pages thick on the table top.

BOB: We've had our eye on you for quite awhile. Bengazi, airline crashes, plagues. You seem to know a lot before it happens.

MANSBRIDGE: Look you fuckhead. I'm the guy who reads the news every night. I say what the fucking teleprompter tells me what to say.

Jim takes out a box of Boston Creams and starts eating them. Mansbridge looks hungry.

BOB: What do you know about any person or persons who are trying to harm our favourite actor Bill Murray? And who the hell is Warren Kinsella?

MANSBRIDGE: Okay fuckface: Give me one of those fucking donuts and I'll fucking tell you everything I know.

The scene ends with Bob releasing Mansbridge from his cuffs and as he slowly eats a Boston Cream we hear this music...



On to part 3.

Thursday, August 7, 2014

Justin Trudeau Joins Al-Qaeda!


Some political pundits say it's a little too soon after September 11th, but Justin doesn't care: He's just going where the votes are.

So if you're on a U.S. No Fly List or if you've recently seen action in Syria, consider joining the Liberal Party of Canada. And remember: They still need somebody to run in Beauport-Limoilou and in Saint John.

Justin Trudeau strikes a more manly pose in 
an attempt to woo supporters.

Thursday, July 31, 2014

No Bills Bon Jovi Refugees To Canada!


After the CFLs failed expansion into the United States it looked like Americans weren't ready for football. 

But now there's news that they've started their own league called the 'NFL.'

I wouldn't trust these fly-by-night leagues. Remember the International Hockey League? Or the Colonial Hockey League? Central Hockey League?

Buffalo, NY, is known in Canada as being the home of the Sabres.

But now there's something called the, 'Buffalo Bills.' And they're thinking about moving to Toronto!

TO already has the Argos. How could these Bills compete with that?

And this whole thing is being spearheaded by none other than Jon Bon Jovi?

As a Canadian you have to tear yourself away from the Ottawa Redblacks vs. the Saskatchewan Roughriders game to ask: "Is this whole NFL-Buffalo Bills thing something that Bon Jovi made up as a way to gain Canadian citizenship and escape Obama's America?"

Maybe move the Sabres to Hamilton or Quebec City and you'll get your citizenship, Jon Bon Jovi. Maybe.


Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Ewww! Circumcision Rates Down In Canada


Proving that Canadian men want to look like a bunch of Europeans when they're naked a University of Saskatchewan study has found that circumcision has dropped to just 32%

My personal opinion of the matter is whether for aesthetic, religious, or health reasons, just cut it off.

And never speak about it again.

But now nobody's doing it anymore!

One ray of hope is that the rates are holding steady in the USA at 61%

From a theological perspective you have to ask yourself, 'If there is a God why would He invent something that looks like that?'

Fascists And Fascists Clash At Ford Fest!


Finally the ARC Collective wrote an article not about a man with the numbers 88 shaved into the back of his head, but about an East Indian.


When I first saw it I was crossing my fingers chanting, "Please be the CBC's Shaun Majumder, please be the CBC's Shaun Majumder."

Still this is a first for ARC. Some Neo Nazis in North America had a history of being funded by left-wing Jewish groups. And the words, 'Heritage Front,' is another way of saying CSIS.

But now they're covering how Gay Pride celebrations didn't end last month but continued on at Ford Fest.